The first call

http://bible.com/59/jhn.21.15-19.ESV When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.”  He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.”  He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.  Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.”  (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.”

What is Love

First bipolar cycle of 2016

poems written on January 6.

day 3, mixed moods

Love is my dad, who hates reading or

receiving advice, scouring the net

for information on bipolar, and

presenting his (actually really useful)

research findings to me to help me.

Love is my mum, who knows just

what to do to calm me down. Who'll

sing me to sleep, scratching my back

and stay up listening to my

crazy talk even though she has a

full day of work tomorrow.

Love is her shutting me up gently

because it's time to get some rest.

And hugging and listening to

me all over again when I still

find it impossible to switch off half

an hour later.

Love is my sister, dropping everything

to call me though she's far far

away (and I know, very busy)

Thank you.

Love is my brother, who grumbles

when I put the light on in the

middle of the night because I'm trying 

to read myself to sleep, but he doesn't

tell me to turn it off, or get out.

Love is the girls, who listened for

really long, even though this

must be so foreign and maybe 

even scary. And asked questions.

Love is felt in the little things. Like

the pouring of tea, an invitation to

join in, being noticed in a crowd.

Love will come to you at the right

time. In the night when you feel

like giving up, Love is there.

Seek it, call out for it, never give up.

because Love, though we may not

notice it, is always with us. 

Love is my people

who give me lifts

and ask me the right questions

and know just what to say

not to fix me

but to be my burden carriers

for as long as I need them

I know they'll be there. 

I'd like to help you understand...

Found a collection of poems I wrote towards the end of last semester around the time where things usually get heavy. Naturally, bipolar came back but I remember that cycle being more depressive rather than manic. Although I've come to realise that it's quite likely that I've often been manic and not noticed. It's hard to tell on my own...

So here goes,

Help
I'd like to help you understand,
that sometimes I want to be alone
but I also want people to be here
I'd like to not be the one in charge of making that decision you know
It's nice just to be taken care of
Like a patient I don't want to be

I don't want to be seen crying
but only because I'm crying
For the space in between
The says "I can't meet you there"

And when I say I'm tired I mean it
I'm literally exhausted
All the time

Here i shall write things down,

Feelings
How do you feel?
Are you ok?
If only feelings could be captured in an adjective,
or if "ok" was a state of being
static
not static at all; its like being out at sea
you're sea sick, suddenly it's calm
then you look at your bedraggled self and feel silly
it's calm again
enjoy the calm
be happy
but you can't conjure feelings, the more you try the more you fail
and the blame
actually if it was just you and me
i mean myself
i would be fine
i'd understand
I wouldn't have to explain myself to anyone
like through a veil
No- that's what I'd like to think.
but the truth is,
no one can fix this
except the One who calms all storms

Forgiveness
There is a hardness of heart that comes
If I am not careful
which makes me feel guilty
guilty
perhaps it's not only a bad thing
fear and shame
only because they can be washed away
no one wants this cycle to keep on going
you feel like a fraud
but that is what we are?
the hypocrisy of it all hit me during the Lord's Supper
it's too hard to think about
Because I can't fix it
Again, I can't fix things
Only you can

Faith
So what should I do then?
I am afraid
of what is to come because I do not know
and I am afraid of being here long
but I can't lie in bed forever
It's not good for me
what would you have me do
I want to do it but I feel I lack the strength
You say you will supply it
If you will do everything what's the point of me?
Then shall I just be an ascetic
Oh I do hate myself when I'm like this
and all the faith I can muster is saying
I give up
leave it till tomorrow
keep going for another day

Freedom
maybe writing isn't such a good idea
but I have all these thoughts and I want to get them out without being judged or shut up
maybe I just like hearing myself :(
I shall stop now
Please can you stop this
I'm tired
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

What Bipolar has taught me about New Years Resolutions

Couldn't sleep again last night. The usual routine didn't work and I ended up crying as 2nd Kings played in the background. My head was so full of i-have-to-do-this-and-that-and-tell-this-person-to-do-that-and-link-these-people-up-and-OMG!-i-have-a-new-idea!-haha-that's-really-funny-why-did-i-suddenly-think-of-that-but-yeah-we-should-do-it-its-a-serious-problem!-now-who-can-i-rope-in-to-help-hmm-omg-WAIT-what-am-i-doing-WHY-is-my-brain-not-stopping-again-oh-no-WHAT-HAVE-I-DONE...

This cycle usually repeats if at that point I don't remember that I have bipolar which can't be fixed like a math problem in my head.

I live with a mental health disorder called bipolar II, also known as manic depression. Sounds scary but it's actually relatable (in nature though not in extremity, which is what makes it an illness) because it causes mood swings between the poles of mania and depression. The big difference from our normal day to day experiences of feeling high/down in the dumps is these shifts can happen suddenly with no traceable trigger so harder to 对症下药. You don't know for sure what causes them so they tend to last longer and each pole, manic/depression, comes with its own symptoms. I'd like to add that if you have a friend with bipolar you should at the very least look up these symptoms so you can help watch out for them. Webmd is a #basic place to start, my doctor friend tells me medscape is better; google "[disease] medscape". I'm serious. I didn't list the symptoms for a reason.


I took today off to rest and recover mainly through cathartic activities like CLEANING and SINGING and WRITING and trying my best to resist the constant buzzing of my phone as much as possible. I decided to reflect on the way I'd been managing my new year plans. Clearly if I'm a week in to 2016 and bipolar is getting to me already I must be doing something not quite right :( So, 3 golden rules:

When making New Years Resolutions...

1. Don't make too many
you're a human not a machine, and one cannot fix one's life/ the world in a year. We all have limited time, energy and resources.

2. Don't pull them out of thin air
unless your resolutions are built into things that you and your community(s) are already doing/passionate about, you will likely forget them or run out of motivation to keep doing them alone.

3. Get help
while there will still be important resolutions to keep which we have to do on our own, we don't ever have to be alone. In those lonely places where you feel you're at the end of yourself, you need people you can count on, who know you and will be faithful to pursue you. They will snatch you out of the fire and cheer you on in the background to keep you going. Who are you people?

*Note: this list is not the ultimate solution- I've already failed criteria 1 (thankfully only for the month of January), and am really counting on 2 and 3 to tide me over till I can #beginagain

There is however, an ultimate solution. Mid-way through hoovering my parents room, I decided to take a break on their bed. As I lay crying (yes again sigh...my bipolar pattern tends to be mixed moods within the same day now), I got out Spotify and Shelly Moore Band's Jesus I Come came on. The simple New Year message of renewal and regeneration was so precious and peaceful that it made me cry even more for a different reason, but then I was okay. Here-

1. Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
   Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
   Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
   Jesus, I come to Thee;
   Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
   Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
   Out of my sin and into Thyself,
   Jesus, I come to Thee.
2. Out of my shameful failure and loss,
   Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
   Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
   Jesus, I come to Thee;
   Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy balm,
   Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
   Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
   Jesus, I come to Thee.
3. Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
   Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
   Into Thy blessed will to abide,
   Jesus, I come to Thee;
   Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
   Out of despair, into raptures above,
   Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
   Jesus, I come to Thee.
4. Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
   Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
   Into the joy and light of Thy home,
   Jesus, I come to Thee;
   Out of the depths of ruin untold,
   Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
   Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
   Jesus, I come to Thee.

You should listen for yourself, 

Take time to remember that rush of wonder you once had at the thought of new beginnings, feeling like you could wash all the crap away and start again, clean, new! Know that this new life is possible. Every time I find myself again in the valley of bipolar, I look at the cross of Jesus Christ, and know that it is possible. And it's a magical feeling. Like when your mum/dad embraces you instead of taking out the cane, though the plates you broke were their wedding ones and you weren't sorry or planning to stop until you saw them coming towards you. At that point, all you can do is let go... and hug them back. 

#2corinthians12:7-10

Till then Lord Jesus, I lay everything down at Your cross, take mine up and trust you to carry me. 

time and space time and space

after the photography exhibition

space
in between
the camera
you and me
pictures then
we succumb
different ways
to overcome
silent words
gestures too
you and me
I know you
though I wish
I could say
everything
anything
to take
the space
away

rest

My faith has found a resting place, Not in device nor creed; I trust the Ever-living One, His wounds for me shall plead. Enough for me that Jesus saves, This ends my fear and doubt; A sinful soul I come to Him, He'll never cast me out. I need no other argument, I need no other plea; It is enough that Jesus died, And that He died for me. My heart is leaning on the Word, The written Word of God, Salvation by my Savior's name, Salvation through His blood. I need no other argument, I need no other plea; It is enough that Jesus died, And that He died for me. On Christ the solid Rock I stand All other ground is sinking sand All other ground is sinking sand. I need no other argument, I need no other plea; It is enough that Jesus died, And that He died for me.

Lessons from Proverbs:

• On words:

When words are many, transgression is not lacking,
but whoever restrains his lips is prudent 10:19

Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense,
but a man of understanding remains silent. Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets,
but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered. 11:12-13

Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD,
but those who act faithfully are his delight 12:22

Truthful lips endure forever,
but a lying tongue is but for a moment. 12:19

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life;
he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin 13:3

A faithful witness does not lie,
but a false witness breathes out lies. 14:5

A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouth of fools pour out folly 15:1-2

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge,
and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise;
when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. 17:27-8

• On wealth:

A man who is kind benefits himself
but a cruel man hurts himself 11:17

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer;
another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. 11:24

Whoever bring blessings will be enriched,
and one who waters will himself be watered. 11:25

One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing;
another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.
The ransom of a man's life is his wealth,
but a poor man hears no threat. 13:7-8

The house of the wicked will be destroyed,
but the tent of the upright will flourish 14:11

(I love this one)
Better is a dinner of herbs where love is
than a fattened ox and hatred with it 15:17

• On life-giving things:

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life 10:11a

The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life,
and whoever captures souls is wise 11:30

In the path of righteousness is life,
and in its pathway there is no death 12:28

The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life,
that one may turn away from the snares of death 14:27

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh,
but envy makes the bones rot. 14:30

A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit 15:4

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof
will dwell among the wise 15:31

Good sense is a fountain of life to him who has it,
but the instruction of fools is folly 16:22

• On healing:

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing 12:18

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
but a good word makes him glad 12:25

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life 13:12

A glad heart makes a cheerful face,
but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed 15:13

Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body 16:24

A joyful heart is good medicine
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones 17:22

Other themes to cull from next time: prudence/knowledge/understanding

2 samuel 22

When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in its shadow I shall run
Till He completes the work begun
Till He completes the work begun

need so much getty this week
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa