I'd like to help you understand...

Found a collection of poems I wrote towards the end of last semester around the time where things usually get heavy. Naturally, bipolar came back but I remember that cycle being more depressive rather than manic. Although I've come to realise that it's quite likely that I've often been manic and not noticed. It's hard to tell on my own...

So here goes,

Help
I'd like to help you understand,
that sometimes I want to be alone
but I also want people to be here
I'd like to not be the one in charge of making that decision you know
It's nice just to be taken care of
Like a patient I don't want to be

I don't want to be seen crying
but only because I'm crying
For the space in between
The says "I can't meet you there"

And when I say I'm tired I mean it
I'm literally exhausted
All the time

Here i shall write things down,

Feelings
How do you feel?
Are you ok?
If only feelings could be captured in an adjective,
or if "ok" was a state of being
static
not static at all; its like being out at sea
you're sea sick, suddenly it's calm
then you look at your bedraggled self and feel silly
it's calm again
enjoy the calm
be happy
but you can't conjure feelings, the more you try the more you fail
and the blame
actually if it was just you and me
i mean myself
i would be fine
i'd understand
I wouldn't have to explain myself to anyone
like through a veil
No- that's what I'd like to think.
but the truth is,
no one can fix this
except the One who calms all storms

Forgiveness
There is a hardness of heart that comes
If I am not careful
which makes me feel guilty
guilty
perhaps it's not only a bad thing
fear and shame
only because they can be washed away
no one wants this cycle to keep on going
you feel like a fraud
but that is what we are?
the hypocrisy of it all hit me during the Lord's Supper
it's too hard to think about
Because I can't fix it
Again, I can't fix things
Only you can

Faith
So what should I do then?
I am afraid
of what is to come because I do not know
and I am afraid of being here long
but I can't lie in bed forever
It's not good for me
what would you have me do
I want to do it but I feel I lack the strength
You say you will supply it
If you will do everything what's the point of me?
Then shall I just be an ascetic
Oh I do hate myself when I'm like this
and all the faith I can muster is saying
I give up
leave it till tomorrow
keep going for another day

Freedom
maybe writing isn't such a good idea
but I have all these thoughts and I want to get them out without being judged or shut up
maybe I just like hearing myself :(
I shall stop now
Please can you stop this
I'm tired
I'm sorry
I'm sorry