Talking to angels

Warm
Wrapped around like a shawl
Loose but snug
Not too tight
Just right

Slow
Folding plastic bags
One after the other
Repeated
Rhythms

Love
Dimly lit but clear
Strong and without fear
Never letting go
Quietly do you know

Here
With me all the time
Heart and mind
Resting
Restless

Trust
Breathing out
Putting down
Opening wide
Smiling/I cry

Be not nobody

Nobody sees
That's what hurts the most
That's what it feels like
Nobody knows
Nobody knows

Me
That's all my mind is thinking of
And I know I know it's wrong
But it's really hard to get outside of myself
At least right now

When it hurts
When it really really hurts
It feels like it will always be this way
Nothing changes
No help comes

Just me
Alone
Just me
Alone
Alone

Little things trigger it
It is a constant weight behind the mask
I can be all smiles
Roaring with laughter
But the weight stays

Underground
Overground
It's always there somewhere
Sneaking in the background
Ready to pounce

One mean word
One swift rejection
Too much time
Without paying attention
Moping about, restless

Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep becomes comfort
So does food

Till all I do is sleep and eat
The story of our lives
But I fight
I really try to fight
It just doesn't feel worth it

When at the end of the day
You wind up defeated
Again
And again and again
And you wonder when this will end

What is the point
Of fighting
Why not just let the storm rage
Let the darkness roar
Hide away

Under covers
Hide away
Till you recover
Will I recover
I just want my mum

No, they say
You chose this path
Be strong
Be stronger
I just want my mum

Is that so unfair
Is that so wrong
I
Just want
My mum

A helper
A comfort
Who knows me
I just want
My God

Where have you gone!
It feels like I don't even
Know you anymore
I'm so angry
Why

Why am I angry

Truth is
I've been fed so many lies
By people trying to help me
And my mind has been muddled
I want to see clearly

No I did not choose You
I don't choose this
I cannot choose to be strong
But you can make me strong even with this
You chose me

I knew it once before
You chose me
And You're never going to return
Or go back on your promises
You are faithful

You are faithful
You are eternal
You love us
You are good
I knew this once

Help me to know it once more
I still know You deep down
I am Yours
I can't ever undo
What the spirit has called

Give me rest Lord
Keep me safe
Fill me with Your power
To labor another day
And be still for Your name's sake

What is Love

First bipolar cycle of 2016

poems written on January 6.

day 3, mixed moods

Love is my dad, who hates reading or

receiving advice, scouring the net

for information on bipolar, and

presenting his (actually really useful)

research findings to me to help me.

Love is my mum, who knows just

what to do to calm me down. Who'll

sing me to sleep, scratching my back

and stay up listening to my

crazy talk even though she has a

full day of work tomorrow.

Love is her shutting me up gently

because it's time to get some rest.

And hugging and listening to

me all over again when I still

find it impossible to switch off half

an hour later.

Love is my sister, dropping everything

to call me though she's far far

away (and I know, very busy)

Thank you.

Love is my brother, who grumbles

when I put the light on in the

middle of the night because I'm trying 

to read myself to sleep, but he doesn't

tell me to turn it off, or get out.

Love is the girls, who listened for

really long, even though this

must be so foreign and maybe 

even scary. And asked questions.

Love is felt in the little things. Like

the pouring of tea, an invitation to

join in, being noticed in a crowd.

Love will come to you at the right

time. In the night when you feel

like giving up, Love is there.

Seek it, call out for it, never give up.

because Love, though we may not

notice it, is always with us. 

Love is my people

who give me lifts

and ask me the right questions

and know just what to say

not to fix me

but to be my burden carriers

for as long as I need them

I know they'll be there. 

time and space time and space

after the photography exhibition

space
in between
the camera
you and me
pictures then
we succumb
different ways
to overcome
silent words
gestures too
you and me
I know you
though I wish
I could say
everything
anything
to take
the space
away