This cycle usually repeats if at that point I don't remember that I have bipolar which can't be fixed like a math problem in my head.
I live with a mental health disorder called bipolar II, also known as manic depression. Sounds scary but it's actually relatable (in nature though not in extremity, which is what makes it an illness) because it causes mood swings between the poles of mania and depression. The big difference from our normal day to day experiences of feeling high/down in the dumps is these shifts can happen suddenly with no traceable trigger so harder to 对症下药. You don't know for sure what causes them so they tend to last longer and each pole, manic/depression, comes with its own symptoms. I'd like to add that if you have a friend with bipolar you should at the very least look up these symptoms so you can help watch out for them. Webmd is a #basic place to start, my doctor friend tells me medscape is better; google "[disease] medscape". I'm serious. I didn't list the symptoms for a reason.
I took today off to rest and recover mainly through cathartic activities like CLEANING and SINGING and WRITING and trying my best to resist the constant buzzing of my phone as much as possible. I decided to reflect on the way I'd been managing my new year plans. Clearly if I'm a week in to 2016 and bipolar is getting to me already I must be doing something not quite right :( So, 3 golden rules:
When making New Years Resolutions...
1. Don't make too many
you're a human not a machine, and one cannot fix one's life/ the world in a year. We all have limited time, energy and resources.
2. Don't pull them out of thin air
unless your resolutions are built into things that you and your community(s) are already doing/passionate about, you will likely forget them or run out of motivation to keep doing them alone.
3. Get help
while there will still be important resolutions to keep which we have to do on our own, we don't ever have to be alone. In those lonely places where you feel you're at the end of yourself, you need people you can count on, who know you and will be faithful to pursue you. They will snatch you out of the fire and cheer you on in the background to keep you going. Who are you people?
*Note: this list is not the ultimate solution- I've already failed criteria 1 (thankfully only for the month of January), and am really counting on 2 and 3 to tide me over till I can #beginagain
There is however, an ultimate solution. Mid-way through hoovering my parents room, I decided to take a break on their bed. As I lay crying (yes again sigh...my bipolar pattern tends to be mixed moods within the same day now), I got out Spotify and Shelly Moore Band's Jesus I Come came on. The simple New Year message of renewal and regeneration was so precious and peaceful that it made me cry even more for a different reason, but then I was okay. Here-
- Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee. - Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee. - Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy blessed will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair, into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee. - Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the joy and light of Thy home,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
You should listen for yourself,
Take time to remember that rush of wonder you once had at the thought of new beginnings, feeling like you could wash all the crap away and start again, clean, new! Know that this new life is possible. Every time I find myself again in the valley of bipolar, I look at the cross of Jesus Christ, and know that it is possible. And it's a magical feeling. Like when your mum/dad embraces you instead of taking out the cane, though the plates you broke were their wedding ones and you weren't sorry or planning to stop until you saw them coming towards you. At that point, all you can do is let go... and hug them back.
#2corinthians12:7-10
Till then Lord Jesus, I lay everything down at Your cross, take mine up and trust you to carry me.
I love you so much Hannah <3
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