this is pretty cool

https://www.brettmccracken.com/blog/2017/8/3/the-wisdom-pyramid
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/watch-diet-in-covid-19-crisis/

and having done CBT I think it's really a key to managing certain aspects of mental illness

No more

At the start
It was Joshua
Be strong and courageous

Not to leave your words
Not even a bit

But I did

Then it was Romans
Consider yourself
Dead to sin
Alive in Christ

I considered

The middle is a bit hazy
I thank you for a period of general rest

I think it was Timothy
Training in godliness
Or was it Peter
Humility run deep

Cos now it's Matthew
The words I speak
Reveal the deep
Desires and curses
Of my heart

A foul truth
A bottomless pit

I admit
I've lost my rythm
But you know this

Why the shame
To confess
Again
I'm nothing
But a whiny
Deceptive
Lazy
Spoilt
Blaming
Angry
Sinner
Saved by grace
Grace!
Grace upon grace!!
How much grace you must possess
To save all the sin
In the world!

How kind
Patient
Merciful
Wise
You are

Let not the devil tell me I'm fake
I am fallen
I fail again and again
But I come to you Jesus
I trust your redemption
I will keep praising you

Lead on
Lead on

my floaty friend

I thought kids were supposed to play? have fun? I looked at my floaty friend, as I held the helium balloon by its weighted string on the MRT, on the walk home from one-north. On the train I had to hold it really short, like it wasn't flying away at all - I didn't think much of this at all at the time because it felt natural to keep a short lead since we were on the train. 

But on the walk home from one north, I passed some of the fusionopolis/galaxis/solaris office buildings, and one of the walkways was quite tight. And there were all these office workers on their way to the train station after work walking towards me, and also the walkway is open on one side but the other side is a neat row of bushes. I was happy to let my floaty friend loose after the MRT ride, but I had to reel it in again because I didn't want it to burst on the bushes while we squeeze past the office workers. So for its own sake. Only when I got to the Portsdown slope then I could really let it fly as high as it went. 

I thought of the song I'd written for Miriam on that walk before she left for Cambridge, when dad cried. little bird away you fly, up and up your going high...I wonder if she has all the words, we could record it with Tim! Anyway, the important question I thought of at the end was, ok training your child in the way he should go takes a village, and the string goes up and down, but what's our real hope eventually? That the balloon will fly up to heaven? We can't take it there ourselves though.

We can only let it go and trust the helium will get it there. Make sure it's got a sturdy shell that won't break with the altitude, and trust that when it seems like the helium has run out, the Holy Spirit will continue to lift you up. 

Church & CG 26 April Luke 7:18-35

O my soul, put your hope in God
My help, my Rock, I will praise Him
Sing, oh, sing through the raging storm
You're still my God, my salvation!

Lord there are things I've prayed
Not come true
So my tongue, I've stayed
Said and thought it's in your hands
but underneath my heart is mad

Wanting wanting all my life
my family complete, restored, made right
the biggest torn inside my heart
is not the one at my side
but the one that long ago that Scottish night
ripped open my world
and plunged into night
my parents fighting
became something
else

and so I blocked it out
shrugged it off
but when it comes, it comes in waves
the grief unchecked
the pain is there
beneath the present, there is scar
history and apologies
not acknowledge, not returned
sorry, we missed
a life of loving each other it seems

God now I come to you
I know you see all my sin
everything I've contributed
all I said and all I say
The tongue that cannot be tamed
by my strength
but you are powerful still over my unbridled way
I will lay myself down at your feet
heal me heal me O my saviour

I cannot fix things
my doctor thank you for his gift
wise counsel may I not forget
what can you do you cannot change them
you cannot control them
I surrender Father, their salvation is in your hand

Forgive me for anger
here in my heart I have killed my own blood
as your people did for they thought
they knew the way the story should end
but you hold the pen and you write the way
I cannot see the narrative until I see your face
Give me a quiet spirit
loving
patient humble too
an honest heart
a gentle spirit
a broken heart broken still
that I may minister, speak truth, out of the depts
knowing your will being done
is the greatest way.

how do I know this? he says I'm brainwashed
Lord but I know you
I trust you
You are who you are
A good and faithful Father
you bring your children out of slavery
Out of barrenness
Into a land of plenty and of peace
We know the way you do this speaks again to who you are
a slain lamb
sacrificing your life for ours

In every story of substitutionary atonement
hearts are pulled and tears fall
amazing love! how can it be!
may my heart be after yours
a servant heart
a sacrificial heart
a resolutely faithful to the Father's will heart
a faithful heart
a compassionate heart
a patient heart
a long-suffering heart
a generous heart
a trusting in God heart
a feeling heart
a loving heart

Father you began a good work in me
and will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ
and I can trust you, and fall into your hands
You will take care of me

real thoughts from vbs

I came on this blog to write about VBS Roar that just ended at church today and ended up writing a totally different post about random things on my mind. So here is a better reflection on VBS.

Day 1 - 

I was paired with Hewlett to do the opening and closing of each VBS day. Except that what the instruction manual counted as one VBS day = half a GBC VBS day, because well, we can do everything in half the time right!

Our segment involved skits, songs, dances, and some teaching activities. 

We taught the first two bible points through our safari adventures with Hannie Bannie & Ranger H skits - can I just say that the original Ranger H name in the manual was IRVING hahahhaha & Hannie Bannie evolved from my suggestion of Hannie Bunz (Cheryl's nickname for me which I find really funny and like) to this more rhyming one courtesy of deborah.  

The night before was the first time we actually practiced the first set like a full dress rehearsal - so it was only then that I realised HOW MUCH CONTINUOUS ENERGY it was going to take to teach, sing and dance the theme song, and then transform into hannie bannie and launch into the skit (remembering all the lines, emotions, and keeping the energy). In the first skit hannie bannie has a good fit of anger because she wants to sing and dance in the safari but is told by ranger H that she can't cos there are hyenas who she might wake up. to illustrate my frustration that LIFE WAS UNFAIR I had to do this SO UNFAIR EVERYTIME MY MOTHERS SAYS MY TEACHER SAYS EVERYONE DOESNT WANT ME TO PLAY BLA BLA BLA SO UNFAIR!!!! and then slump to the floor angrily - I scrunched my knees to my face and buried myself in my them so that I'd have time to recover from internally laughing after I threw the fit. I was so tired though  that when I'd gotten to the floor I think all the blood rushed to my head ahahha I think my face got really red but I suppose it added to the angry effect. 

Me after the first sing & play - you can't see but I'm so pooped

 


Besides my "station". I also was assigned a crew (group) to help look after, and that was so lovely! Even though I had to scoot off here and there to practice/prepare for the next big group session, I had good time to get to know the kids in my crew, and look out for some of the more reserved ones. Snack and lunch times were really precious, because that's usually where the kids true selves emerge - ravenous, greedy, self centered but also kind, generous, and unexpected acts of service, like listening and helping to clean up, sharing food with one another, helping each other to reach for food, leaving food so that everyone can have enough. Kids have such big hearts :)



I realised how quickly I saw differences in personalities between children, maybe because I'd already applied a 'parent' or 'observer' lens to their behaviour. Or maybe it was a 'figuring you out' lens because I was trying so many different way to engage and connect the kids all the time! 

Me learning chinese dance stretches from a crew kid - being inflexible is a good thing when you're with a flexible kid who needs a confidence boost! "you got to press your foot down" "yea I am..." 




On the way home after day 1 I went to Holland V to buy my floaty friend (aka a helium balloon for the next's day's bible point lesson - when life changes, God is good). I had a whole conversation with myself and God on the way home with my floaty friend. It was about how severe should we be with the children, because I'd felt that we were being to focused on getting things to be orderly and getting to military strict style with the children. I'll save those thoughts for another time though.

Day 2

I enjoyed the second day so much. 
Yes, there was more fist pumping heart stopping singing and dancing. 

Hannie bannie threw another fit LOL after one pre-VBS practice I did think to myself, are we playing OURSELVES, or rather how much of me is showing up in my acting. To be fair to myself, the style of the fit throwing for this skit always varied (it was a 'I DONT LIKE CHANGES' fit because Ranger H tells HB that they have to move, they can't stay in this place because a herd of rhinos are coming. Apparently it's a "crash" of rhinos.) Sometimes I'd give it a crying spin, some times shouting, some times pouting. The extent of my angsty expressions? teehee

 Played fun games - second bible point was when life is sad, God is good! Caleb's idea was to  play marco polo, and ask the blindfolded kids if they felt sad that they couldnt see during the game. None of them felt sad. HAHA of course! But it was special during kidvid cinema when we shared about the things that made us sad in life.

 Teaching the kids that when life changes (got two of my crew kids to come up and hit the balloon, left to right, and again, left to right, to show how life knocks us around) that we are always held fast by God, who is like a rock. He never changes, and the bible says that his steadfast love endures forever. We prayed for people who needed to know that God was like a rock in their lives.

Day 3
I don't have any photos haha but basically I was exhausted, it was fun and crazy because we launched over 100 balloons on the kids at the end to demonstrate that every good thing in life comes from God, and it's way more fun when we share God's goodness with each other!!! What was great about the finale was that the crew leaders had time to 'affirm' each child in the crew, to say to them what they were thankful for that the child had showed during VBS, e.g. love to a fellow crew member, respect, patience etc.

Really my biggest take away from VBS did come from the walk home with my floaty friend. Otherwise it was more of enjoying the privilege of being in these kids lives, to love them and influence them. I did have a long chat with a sobbing girl during snack time on day three, processing why she was angry and upset because of something that happened during the wet games. That was also a real gift - I confess that I was annoyed because I thought she was forcing herself to cry after a while for attention but whatever it was, she honestly was sad and it was good to talk things through, and opportunities to remind her of the gospel.

Something that happened during one of our pre-VBS practices though. When we were revising the skit lines, and for the day 2 section of asking kids what were some of the "God sightings" (seeing God at work) they had seen, debs said we can give the example 'maybe you had a really nice dinner last night'. I scoffed complaining that that was really superficial. But thank God they both contradicted me - and they were right! nothing is too superficial, every good thing comes from God - we just take the little things we are used to for granted. I was humbled, and I hope to be humbled some more. 

Thank you God for saving me. 

thoughts from vbs

VBS ended today. I got home just past three and fell asleep listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's audio book Between Heaven and the Real World (it is fantastic). I created a free audible trial account just to access it - nearing the end now and I wish I could add it to an audio library or something :'( also I discovered his sons' band Colony House & wow I haven't cared much for a band since Bombay Bicycle Club days but I really like their music AND their music videos! Tbh I think the drummer is the key to why they sound so good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJgle1V0Xrg&list=RD47iAwOy__UA&index=2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcoIbdT6n9I&list=OLAK5uy_m4bRPxkY8DPBANgHlFOsKq1CfW1VuItZs&index=3

been so blessed by their family this month through the book and a glimpse into their relationships with God.

Before the Steven Curtis Chapman book I was reading the Viking Quest series, it's a set of five children's books that mum read to us when we were little, about an Irish girl, Bree, and her brother, Devin, who get kidnapped by Viking raiders. I usually avoid ebooks, but I borrowed the entire series from the nlb collection! I really appreciate how my job has taught me to make good use these great free resources.

<so strange I feel like my voice is changing>
<my typing my way of speaking, it's been vetted>
<trimmed into new lines by her>
<over a year of routine>
<so if this is me now, why does it feel strange to write?>
<an increased sense of censorship>
<on lines of my own making>
<but if I recreate them>
<who is really doing the changing?>
<yet if I leave things uncut and raw>
<those too, don't sit well>
<rhyme and resolve, when will you return>
<I want to write something and not squirm>

I looked back at a few of my recent past blog posts. It's funny I cant seem to be patient enough to write coherent things most of the time HAHAHA. I guess this space is a strange place that's why? I've used it to just write for remembering, little Ebeneezers to mark things. I've also used it as a landing pad for all kinds of thoughts and feelings that couldn't come out right elsewhere. I did use it at times to write properly, like a smattering of poems that I edited, and some posts where I was thinking about talks I'd heard, or nicer reads about my life.

I really like writing but I feel I'm out of touch, hopefully I'll get back into it and write more :) 

Boring email words

Just want to note
For record please
As mentioned over the phone
You have borderline hypothyroidism

Considering long term lithium use,
We had checked with Dr T

How funny they are both Dr Ts
Haha
Hahahahha

Dr Ts had said that it was fine to stop taking lithium.
You are already on two other mood stabilisers.

But Dr T said...

He said she said T said
They still haven't celebrated their anniversary

Do try without for four weeks.

And see if there is any relapse?
But isn't lithium like, THE bipolar drug?

"Never stop taking lithium. Here is my card." - Arthur Kleinman, Cendana, Spring 2018.

If anything happens we won't be around, and then you want to go on holiday, maybe you want to do this another time?

I will call IMH tomorrow 20/8
I will call IMH tomorrow 21/8
I
don't really know what number to call lol

Kind regards,