Sometimes I don't know what to believe

I wish

So many things
Then get discouraged and disappointed
For wishing
That those I think of as closest to me could be
Things they just cannot be
 things that I can't expect them to be.

Stop building idols in people
Stop looking to people for hope
Jesus is the only true Savior.
No one else has the power necessary to rescue from the pit.

Thank God for God.
I'll keep praying for support.

https://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2016/june/living-with-bipolar-disorder-mental-illness-depression.html

books :') time to be quiet now. and read books.

“Accept that there are things in this world we can never explain and life will be understandable. That is the irony of life. It is also the beauty of it.” 
― Tan Twan Eng, The Gift of Rain

“Never meet a person’s anger directly. Deflect, distract him, even agree with him. Unbalance his mind, and you can lead him anywhere you want.” 
― Tan Twan Eng, The Gift Of Rain

“Accept that there are things in this world we can never explain and life will be understandable. That is the irony of life. It is also the beauty of it.” 
― Tan Twan Eng, The Gift of Rain

seeking the light/not willing to be blind/stop saying relax...it leads to death

Emily Martin - Bipolar Expeditions: Mania and Depression in American Culture 

From 12.10-15.11

I've come up with this phrase, living under the description of bipolar disorder as a way of dealing with the question that I get all the time:is bipolar disorder biological (is it a biological condition) or is it culturally constructed...my opinion about this is that everything human is both biological and culturally constructed and it is probably a fool's errand to try and tease the two apart in any definitive way. 

So the phrase is meant to resist the apparent necessity of such a choice (this or that) - to reject the choice and to say that both sides of this apparent dichotomy are real,  both are material, both are symbolic and both are filled with the ability or desire to imagine the world.

I worry that talking about bipolar disorder as culturally constructed might led one to ignore the very real material effects of this diagnosis - this and any diagnosis, especially psychiatric ones. A psychiatric diagnosis is a material fact. If you get one and it's a major one it has immediate material effects on employment, insurance, on life expectancy, admission to all kinds of contexts. So it's not culturally constructed exactly, do you understand what I'm saying? It's real, it has material effects. 

I won't transcribe the rest but it's very helpful, a tree metaphor to say that though different people/cultures may describe one thing in different ways, it's still a real thing and it's still the same thing.

Another good point about how though when a loved one gets bipolar it can seem like their whole person goes with them, it's not true. They don't morph from A to B - that's crazy! They. are. not. a. bipolar. THING. Bipolar just becomes one part of their experience; true, a very big part at times but not all-encompassing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67QCOpk6EgE

http://www.thelancet.com/pdfs/journals/lancet/PIIS0140-6736(08)60152-X.pdf

:'( ... ok

sad. do i mess everything up.

nope! silly head talking.

being a sinner doesnt mean you ARE sin - im not the root cause of everyone's life problems. that's pretty great tbh that means i dont have to feel INDEBTED to saving n helping everyone. pick up yo own rubbish.

but i can pray for the world :)  #prayingfortheworld :) :) :)

i will trust in you Father. Keep my head in YOUR book. Not in the clouds, not in the books. Ah school...the problem and solution. cries. 

Kanchong spiders/ look to the sky!

We are what we look up to.

The card from esra/jonah don't run

When I'm tired,
    my mind is a mess
Distractions attraction
Its reason posses

Lord speak, I can't hear you
I'd gone in too deep
Inside the tunnel
What can I see?

So on I keep going
Not knowing which way
Only hope of some future,
though faint, keeps me sane

Pictures of people
Who've loved me and loved me and loved me
Again
Despite my wild thrashing
Reeling me in

Please
Come
Home

The words of my heart
And through tears you save me
You broke me apart

I cannot hurt them
So I'll let them hurt me
My eyes on the light
I know I'll live
Eternally

You know my fears Father
Better than I could ever say

What happens when my parents die?
What happens if everything I ever was goes away?

You say,
Don't be afraid
My love is stronger
My love is stronger than your fears

And anyway
that's not the point of living ;)
To be safe
And happy

Knowing God, YHWH glorious
Perfect in every way
Abounding in mercy and love
Washed all my sins away

And to serve King Jesus
Best ruler and friend there could ever be :)
That is Life!
Abundantly!

So I won't be afraid
Your love is stronger
And You have promised
Promised to be always near

With us in the battle

Thought: Maybe God took me to New Zealnand to keep me away from the trigger happy season of christmas/new year.

So despite all my anger and complaining, it was for my own good - he was saving me from myself! #doyoudowelltobeangry

Observation: Very chatty with A over dinner at maki san tonight. Thankfully she reminded me not everyone thinks like me. Twice 😂. And she's very gracious :'( I am so idiotic sometimes.

I talk too much when I'm nervous and fearful that something I don't want to happen will happen. I try to prevent it with my words?

Lesson: Trust up ur Father. And your sisters and your brothers. Christ died for us all and we all have his spirit working in us :) oh please will I remember this!!

Listening to: shane and shane psalm 46/ elevation worship come to the altar