jeremiah 31

maybe i should keep more of a record.

10 days in nz: 28-7 *note we arrived at the house at 9pm on the 28th

i noticed my body was exhausted during the travel from sg to nz. knocked out for 2 hours on the floor of auckland airport., slept the whole auckland to nelson flight. i think i really hadn't had enough time to rest, christmas had also pushed me up - esp christmas day. and helping the family on the SQ flight too. so i think i was already functioning on an energy deficit but with lingering manic "gifts" it seems - felt like i was floating/special powers/all seeing eye (but not manic!) 30/31

2 nights sleep difficulties (prob 3ams) - after star wars, can't remember the second. woke up suddenly at 5/530 I think 4/1.

High stress/manic walking through the woods thinking about nms job Friday 5/1.

Angry, random from 2/3, more consistent from 4/5/6. Triggers: mother. sarah. (very angry 6/7) hating myself for being angry and hurting mum and not knowing how to explain it. :( :( :(
this reminds me of idk
family holiday shouting in Scotland after Ben Nevis depression. texting val, looking out of the cars at the mountains. madness at dad for forgetting me in paris and going on without me.

im glad my body is exhausted tonight and all this emotion is finally coming OUT in tears. i hope it all comes out so there's no more hate left to poke people with. ugh
ugh
ugh

looked up my ativan to see if it might help but i dont think so. just really want to go home.

feeling a bit trapped.
need my own space.

escape into praying and singing...that's what i did at the beach today actually, and that was good. and escaped into the sea - that was lovely. jumping in the waves :) until i almost died hahahahaha

but that was good; being outdoors, doing activities, being together doing things but not talking. yea. beach cricket was fun.

ok, important things to keep in mind for the next few days.

sleep
eat
exercise (go for runs in the morning/play badminton with connie)
do work in the morning, with breaks after 1-2 hours.
schedule.
email doctor tay about meds if necessary

:)
you got this!

kiv
google workshops for parents with children with bipolar - when will you educate yourself!