Sometimes I don't know what to believe

I wish

So many things
Then get discouraged and disappointed
For wishing
That those I think of as closest to me could be
Things they just cannot be
 things that I can't expect them to be.

Stop building idols in people
Stop looking to people for hope
Jesus is the only true Savior.
No one else has the power necessary to rescue from the pit.

Thank God for God.
I'll keep praying for support.

https://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2016/june/living-with-bipolar-disorder-mental-illness-depression.html

books :') time to be quiet now. and read books.

“Accept that there are things in this world we can never explain and life will be understandable. That is the irony of life. It is also the beauty of it.” 
― Tan Twan Eng, The Gift of Rain

“Never meet a person’s anger directly. Deflect, distract him, even agree with him. Unbalance his mind, and you can lead him anywhere you want.” 
― Tan Twan Eng, The Gift Of Rain

“Accept that there are things in this world we can never explain and life will be understandable. That is the irony of life. It is also the beauty of it.” 
― Tan Twan Eng, The Gift of Rain

seeking the light/not willing to be blind/stop saying relax...it leads to death

Emily Martin - Bipolar Expeditions: Mania and Depression in American Culture 

From 12.10-15.11

I've come up with this phrase, living under the description of bipolar disorder as a way of dealing with the question that I get all the time:is bipolar disorder biological (is it a biological condition) or is it culturally constructed...my opinion about this is that everything human is both biological and culturally constructed and it is probably a fool's errand to try and tease the two apart in any definitive way. 

So the phrase is meant to resist the apparent necessity of such a choice (this or that) - to reject the choice and to say that both sides of this apparent dichotomy are real,  both are material, both are symbolic and both are filled with the ability or desire to imagine the world.

I worry that talking about bipolar disorder as culturally constructed might led one to ignore the very real material effects of this diagnosis - this and any diagnosis, especially psychiatric ones. A psychiatric diagnosis is a material fact. If you get one and it's a major one it has immediate material effects on employment, insurance, on life expectancy, admission to all kinds of contexts. So it's not culturally constructed exactly, do you understand what I'm saying? It's real, it has material effects. 

I won't transcribe the rest but it's very helpful, a tree metaphor to say that though different people/cultures may describe one thing in different ways, it's still a real thing and it's still the same thing.

Another good point about how though when a loved one gets bipolar it can seem like their whole person goes with them, it's not true. They don't morph from A to B - that's crazy! They. are. not. a. bipolar. THING. Bipolar just becomes one part of their experience; true, a very big part at times but not all-encompassing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67QCOpk6EgE

http://www.thelancet.com/pdfs/journals/lancet/PIIS0140-6736(08)60152-X.pdf

:'( ... ok

sad. do i mess everything up.

nope! silly head talking.

being a sinner doesnt mean you ARE sin - im not the root cause of everyone's life problems. that's pretty great tbh that means i dont have to feel INDEBTED to saving n helping everyone. pick up yo own rubbish.

but i can pray for the world :)  #prayingfortheworld :) :) :)

i will trust in you Father. Keep my head in YOUR book. Not in the clouds, not in the books. Ah school...the problem and solution. cries. 

Kanchong spiders/ look to the sky!

We are what we look up to.

The card from esra/jonah don't run

When I'm tired,
    my mind is a mess
Distractions attraction
Its reason posses

Lord speak, I can't hear you
I'd gone in too deep
Inside the tunnel
What can I see?

So on I keep going
Not knowing which way
Only hope of some future,
though faint, keeps me sane

Pictures of people
Who've loved me and loved me and loved me
Again
Despite my wild thrashing
Reeling me in

Please
Come
Home

The words of my heart
And through tears you save me
You broke me apart

I cannot hurt them
So I'll let them hurt me
My eyes on the light
I know I'll live
Eternally

You know my fears Father
Better than I could ever say

What happens when my parents die?
What happens if everything I ever was goes away?

You say,
Don't be afraid
My love is stronger
My love is stronger than your fears

And anyway
that's not the point of living ;)
To be safe
And happy

Knowing God, YHWH glorious
Perfect in every way
Abounding in mercy and love
Washed all my sins away

And to serve King Jesus
Best ruler and friend there could ever be :)
That is Life!
Abundantly!

So I won't be afraid
Your love is stronger
And You have promised
Promised to be always near

With us in the battle

Thought: Maybe God took me to New Zealnand to keep me away from the trigger happy season of christmas/new year.

So despite all my anger and complaining, it was for my own good - he was saving me from myself! #doyoudowelltobeangry

Observation: Very chatty with A over dinner at maki san tonight. Thankfully she reminded me not everyone thinks like me. Twice 😂. And she's very gracious :'( I am so idiotic sometimes.

I talk too much when I'm nervous and fearful that something I don't want to happen will happen. I try to prevent it with my words?

Lesson: Trust up ur Father. And your sisters and your brothers. Christ died for us all and we all have his spirit working in us :) oh please will I remember this!!

Listening to: shane and shane psalm 46/ elevation worship come to the altar

Jumanji

Thoughts from jumanji

You have to fight for what you love. Maybe my past fan girl forays into calvinism creates a false sense that things happen by magic. Sit, back, relax and enjoy the show. But hey, God fights for us! And we must fight to stand firm in the gospel, fight to love, fight so others can live. Laziness perhaps is a out pour of a fatalistic worldview. No more que sera sera! Take action - prayerfully ;)

"You are braveheart...you have to choose who you want to be!"

"Then lets be like this, everyday...in the real world. Just come home."

I liked the character bethany for being nice to martha. When she said you're a babe own it I thought that was a great compliment. Genuine and in real time language because she meant it. Things to learn from because being encouraging is encouraging.

Last thing - hanging out with R and C for two weeks involved going to the cinema four times (star wars, breathe, murder on the orient express, jumanji). It's been great! Even though my snobby ass would usually think twice about spending $ on 3/5 star movies it's been a great way to bond and connect with my cousins. And from their reactions understand their worlds a bit more :)

jeremiah 31

maybe i should keep more of a record.

10 days in nz: 28-7 *note we arrived at the house at 9pm on the 28th

i noticed my body was exhausted during the travel from sg to nz. knocked out for 2 hours on the floor of auckland airport., slept the whole auckland to nelson flight. i think i really hadn't had enough time to rest, christmas had also pushed me up - esp christmas day. and helping the family on the SQ flight too. so i think i was already functioning on an energy deficit but with lingering manic "gifts" it seems - felt like i was floating/special powers/all seeing eye (but not manic!) 30/31

2 nights sleep difficulties (prob 3ams) - after star wars, can't remember the second. woke up suddenly at 5/530 I think 4/1.

High stress/manic walking through the woods thinking about nms job Friday 5/1.

Angry, random from 2/3, more consistent from 4/5/6. Triggers: mother. sarah. (very angry 6/7) hating myself for being angry and hurting mum and not knowing how to explain it. :( :( :(
this reminds me of idk
family holiday shouting in Scotland after Ben Nevis depression. texting val, looking out of the cars at the mountains. madness at dad for forgetting me in paris and going on without me.

im glad my body is exhausted tonight and all this emotion is finally coming OUT in tears. i hope it all comes out so there's no more hate left to poke people with. ugh
ugh
ugh

looked up my ativan to see if it might help but i dont think so. just really want to go home.

feeling a bit trapped.
need my own space.

escape into praying and singing...that's what i did at the beach today actually, and that was good. and escaped into the sea - that was lovely. jumping in the waves :) until i almost died hahahahaha

but that was good; being outdoors, doing activities, being together doing things but not talking. yea. beach cricket was fun.

ok, important things to keep in mind for the next few days.

sleep
eat
exercise (go for runs in the morning/play badminton with connie)
do work in the morning, with breaks after 1-2 hours.
schedule.
email doctor tay about meds if necessary

:)
you got this!

kiv
google workshops for parents with children with bipolar - when will you educate yourself!

Everlasting Arms

Some new year reflections

3 pieces of advice

1)      Keep working – Nathan Tang 13 August 2017

Let’s keep working but no pressure cause God is the One working

2)      Well I learnt to let go. And not hoard all these “responsibilities” to myself, like as if they were my “pet projects”. They are my fellow bro & sistas. We share 2 common DNAs. Sin & Christ. – Samuel Ngo 24 December 2017

3)      Continue serving and following Christ as always – Christopher Kho 26 December 2017

And don’t worry too much about being the lone 94’ there/ I’m sure there’ll be more gospel partners coming soon 21 December 2017

3 wise sayings

1) you can learn to love anyone when you've heard their story - Simren Singh, ages ago, recalled December 2017 

2) how can you expect it to look out for you? The strong must take care of the weak - Heidi Leong, Esra and the chick story, December 2017

3) tidak perlu lebih tinggi tinggi, harus bantu orang lain - me to the man on the plane, December 28 2017

Some thoughts,

God cares about where we are. He moves us to spaces where we need to be to help us know him. 

Acts 17:26-28 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

Following the leading of the Spirit makes zero sense sometimes because you're following something no one can see.  

John 3:8 The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”

Training children is super hard because its a 24/7 job plus you don't just train them with the training activities (like doing the washing up/ cooking a meal together/ teaching them how to buy things at the supermarket) but they also watch you and how you live your life. Super exhausting and 0% chance of success because you'll trip up somewhere. Like get mad and say something dumb. So I have mad respect for God who makes us unruly and ungrateful kids his own and trains us up using the infinite resources he has in this entire world - so cool that I can trust that God is using everything today, the weather, the animals, the good and the bad to mould me to follow the way of Jesus more - it will keep me safe. 

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.

The Christian life is really so much more about dying than I ever thought. Dying to bring forth new life - I remember thinking that this time last year, when I was visiting Glau and Tobi in Bremen and looking at her huge belly...knowing that the life inside her had also given her diabetes. He giveth and giveth and giveth again and so will I. 

James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to care for the orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. 

Two resolutions:

- write down people's prayer points in my prayer mate app so I don't lose them

- continually seek God's will for my life and let go of my own dreams

- take time off for random creative things (like making my shell jewellery to give away!)

It would be cool if 2018 brought

- an exhibition to raise awareness about mental health

- fundraising for a scholarship to support the above and remember YNC's mental health history, named after Dennis

- the resurrection and expansion of the board games party! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvNfjLmlviI