hidingwrestlingcryingdying

i dont need anymore heartbreak 
Lord
I said
please
I said
But that's not what
He said
You never promised this wouldn't hurt
Once again the adage remains true
Not just advancing with suffering
but through suffering
Oh how unprepared I am
To follow you
To want what you want
Change my heart
O God
Break it and remake it
So it will be 
fully yours

Rain

God is good
Tennis
Endorphins
Oranges
Rain
Rice cake
Quiet space
Got to rest
Hear Him speak
Soy milk
Ries cake
Little surprises
Walking on
Caught di in the corridor
Hahahaha
Ah my friends
How good to be here
My Father's timing is perfect
And I trust Him~

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

true but also not true
oh living for the kingdom
so hard
so simple
blurs all lines
makes me nimble
haha nearly nothing matters
but dammit
the heart
likes to go on holiday
come back little heart
you're alright where you are
:)
and life goes on

the little things

all I want
& nothing more
to hear these words
at heavens door
to look into your face O Lord
And then with you forevermore

His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

Keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
and you'll find your way

"Don't you love people, who are so deep with Jesus, they know where it's at - the water. They live by the fountain; they never go anywhere, they just live there. They're not jumping from, job to job and wife to wife and girlfriend to girlfriend and job to job to hairstyle to hairstyle, they are so THERE."

my title was not what i was really thinking (Isaiah 63)

7The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;
fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7

it literally means fear ok. fear is so powerful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah82CaBRk7c

I so miss teaching the youth with all these crazy fun game stuff...

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom^a you learned it 15and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17that the man of God^b may be complete, equipped for every good work. 1 Tim 3

 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words. Thess 4

I think the thoughts from this came from something I wrote about lions:

Jesus I return to you
the true Daniel
who takes my place
in the den
of lions
who bids me come
abide in him
but promises
that I will win
for nothing here
upon this earth
can roar so loud
that breaks sins curse
but only Christ
who for me died
can take away
my stubborn pride
he woos me come
and be his bride
no lion here
just by his side

//

though you're in pain,
don't play the blame game
Jesus is here -
he hasn't disappeared
He bids you come
turn now from fear
Have faith, he'll help your unbelief

There are others in the den, that Jesus has called to join,
and he asks us to trust him & call them out
- trust me, the lions cannot separate you from me he says.
Is that my utmost desire?
To be with Jesus always?
If it isn't then it's no wonder we're not evangelising.

When obedience to God contradicts what I think will give me pleasure, let me ask myself if I love Him. - Elizabeth Elliot

Grandma's House

It’s raining.

Will this always be grandma’s house?

No it won’t.

Just like the seasons, the seasons come and go

The flowers, plants,

they

come and go.

They wither, they die, new buds spring forth.

Can’t hold on to this house, or to

Grandma to come back to this house.

She’s in a better house, she’s in God’s house,

she’s in the Father’s house.

When the Lord comes back he will call us all together;

the dead in Christ will rise first

and we will all meet him in the air

so we will all be with the Lord forever

and we will all be in the Father’s house worshiping together

forever and ever.

We won’t need this house,

Grandma’s house

Because there was sorrow that came along with the joy as well

It was so often a sanctuary but it also really wasn’t.

It could never keep out

it could never truly keep out

all the problems, everything outside

It wasn’t a solution, it was a gift

and now it’s been taken back

to the giver of all gifts.

LORD thank you for Grandma,

thank you for giving her to us

thank you that we were so blessed;

she was a grandma we could always go to for hugs and hot water bottles and just nice things just love and guidance and funny things as well

thank you that she shared her life with us

and she cared for us

Though walking into every room, it feels like

She might still be here

Where is she?

Why is she not sitting in her armchair?

Why

She’s not here.

Mary, Mary

Why are you crying?

He is not here, he is risen.

He is risen!

Lord you have not left us orphans,

And because you live we will live also.

And beause you live grandma will live also

And we will see her again.

Thank you

That you don’t leave us orphans

You leave us with your word

That the Holy Spirit helped the apostles to write

and now the Holy Spirit helps us to see and understand

and to know you

But the spirit blows where it wills and we don’t see it,

We don’t know where it goes…

I pray that you will blow the spirit into this family

We need you

We need you

And I know there’s so much work to be done,

your work LORD;

Please keep me faithful to speaking your truth in love into C's life, R's life

What am I doing here crying?

Why am I wasting time for crying over people whose eternal salvation is secured?

So many still don’t know you.

And they’ll never see grandma again unless they do

LORD I pray that you will help me fix my eyes on the kingdom.

On the comfort and the joy of the kingdom

But also of the work of the kingdom.

I pray that you’ll help me put my faith in you – that you are working in this world still, you haven’t left us

You haven’t just left us to fall apart.

That even in all the problems and all the pain you are calling your people to yourself LORD.

And I pray that I would learn LORD, to be bolder to say the words even to people like  who I feel  will think I’m crazy and yeah will bar me from  or something but LORD,   needs to hear you too,  ’s part of our family too and we love  . Help me to love   more.

Thank you LORD for showing me to move forward

Standing on the shoulders of spiritual giants who have given their lives to people

To your people

To grow us

And LORD I pray now that I won’t cling on to wanting them back

But I will be a disciple who makes disciples –

that I would be a true disciple, so that their work would not be in vain.

I pray these things

And I ask for LORD just for extra wisdom and sensitivity, and knowledge of how to love doing your work and be able to be real and soft and gentle at the same time. Not try and shut out my own emotions for fear that they’ll overpower me. And make me fruitless/useless in your ministry. You’ve given us all we need for life and godliness and I pray that I would increase in all virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly-affection and love.

//

I was just thinking about John 11:35 when Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus. And I rmb at SOAS CU we talked about how this shows us Jesus deep love for his peoples, anguish at the broken world...But I also just realised that the fact that this is recorded for us means that Jesus didn't hide away and cry. He wasn't ashamed of showing how wrong he felt the world to be...just thinking of this en route back to London from my grandmas village n thinking about how pretending that we don't feel any of the pain in the world just because we have a sure hope in the gospel securing for us a place in God's future glorious kingdom isn't the pattern Jesus set for us :) The brokenness of a sinful world is real and it hurts because God didn't make the world to be this way. It also hurts to see those we love try so hard to save themselves but reject the only true light. But there is work to be done. And so we press on to be faithful to the upward call of Christ to labor in his harvest fields, to bring his elect into his kingdom.